ok, moved to dewwicks.blogspot.com
visit if you want to.
will be updating this time.
so dont worry
:)

dewwicks

today was another day well spent.

pretty tired to update my blog anymore. but more interesting things are coming up.

today was spent by having lunch with sy, went to re-string my badminton racquet, had an hour of badminton with sy, dinner with sy then followed my cousin for dinner. pretty tired from badminton as it is. so yeah.

yesterday was more interesting as i woke up at 6am. sy picked me up and we headed off to menumbok to send his dad to the jeti to labuan. after that we headed to membakut to find dato' haris' fishing pond and we did! so we reached there around 12pm and left at 5.30pm. within that time, sy caught one haruan fish. i almost caught two and sy almost caught another one but the fish bit the back end off leaving the head for sy! hahahaha
it was pretty fun fishing and awesome lake filled with haruan and tomans!!

thats about it and here is the picture of sy and his haruan.

well, i have been in and out of everyting and anything.
even though life or whatever you call it, have me by the balls, i won't give in.
life is soon going to change, drastically and it will definitely change my life.
be it life or death, joy or anger, i will wait for it.
here i am, writting something up.

Murmur

(mûr'mər) n 1: a low, indistinct, continuous sound: spoke in a murmur; the
murmur of the waves 2: an indistinct, whispered, or confidential complaint; a
mutter 3: Medicine. an abnormal sound, usually emanating from the heart, that
sometimes indicates a diseased condition.

When I met Maryanne, she was standing on the subway platform and talking to herself. She was tiny, less than a hundred pounds, with dark circles beneath her eyes and unwashed brown hair. We were nearly alone in the station. I leaned againts a girder to listen, but her words were indistinct, a blur of gentle noise, and soon enough a train charged in from the darkness to silence her. The train thundered along the track, and as we approached the yellow edge in anticipation it kept hissing and racing until, at last, it disappeared with a shudder. We were left side by side, introduced by disappointment.
"You were listening," she said to me.
I blinked too many times, flustered. I glanced down at her thin pretty blouse and back up into her tired smile, those two rows of small lopsided teeth.
"Maryanne," she said.
When we boarded the next train there were empty seats, but we stood side by side holding onto the same fingerprinted pole. I spread my feet and felt the train twist beneath me like the spine of a cat. We were new at being New Yorkers so we talked about home, the places we had fled.
"I didn't know people actually lived in South Carolina," I said. "I thought it was one of those states they made up so there would be fifty. Like Olkahoma."
"You're just upset because we call you Yankees," she said.
"Maybe," I said.
I told her I was going downtown to buy an album by The Terrifics that was being released exclusively in vinyl format. I didn't own a record player but I wanted the album.
"I have a record player," she said. "I'm not sure if it works."
"Does it have a needle?"
"I think so. My mother gave it to me."
"Ask her if it has a needle."
"She's dead."
I changed hands on the pole, startled, though I shouldn't have been, as flirtation usually involves precocious familiarity, asking and telling things ordinarily unshared with a stranger. They aren't grand secrets, they're just things any friend would know, but it's through the swift progression of revelation that a new intimacy arises.
"I'm picking up a friend at Penn Station," she told me as we transferred to the E train. "He's in the air force."
"A friend," I said, carrying her black bag.
"He called me up to say he was coming up from D.C. for the weekend. We went to college together. Medical school."
"You're a doctor? You look sixteen."
"I'm an intern at Sloan-Kettering."
"I'm healthy," I said.
"Terribly," she said and reached up to tug the collar of my jacket. We were melting, with a kind of instantaneousness that had little to do with each other and more to do with ourselves, a mutual affinity for being saved. I tried to convince her to leave her friend at the station but she wouldn't agree to it, though it seemed she wanted to. I accompanied her past my shop to Penn Station and walked her to the turnstile where she wrote her telephone number on my hand in red ink. Then she slipped her jacket over her head and I couldn't see her face.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I don't know," she said. "Come here."
I leaned in close, nervous, worried that the sweat on my hands would smudge the numbers. She turned her head and pressed her lips to my ear, as if she were going to whisper a secret. We were breathing in that dark, humid space, surrounded by the fever of strangers, and then she slipped the jacket off of both of us and walked away to meet her unwanted friend.

sometimes things don't go according to plan. i would want to disagree but it happens.

things come and go, so do people and interesting enough, our future, present and past. we don't want these feelings to go away but they just have to.

ever had the feeling where everything was just nice? just perfect? just where you want it to be and BOOM! disaster strikes. it happens all the time to me which can be such a fucking heart burn. mistakes done in the past can be painful but mistakes that come now can be deadly.

things we go through in our life. learning and learning until we die.
God sent? or Satan's child? hey, who am i to say who we are right? but i am here to say that we are better than everyone else and to keep our head held high every time disaster strikes.

so, fuck those fuckers who discriminate us for who we are.
rick.

ok, so since liv made me realize i had a blog, it made me want to blog.

recently, it has been hectic. it's just so hard to deal with everything coming all at once. it's either i cant wait to go back home or get away from this hell hole. either way, i need to get away from here.

it was a drastic change for me when i was out partying and holidaying after i graduated. now it's just shit nights with shit work. i dont think i can stand it but what am i to do? deal with it.

the endless ranting will never stop at this end.

so screw it all because i want it all.

rick.

and there you go. livina found out about my blog. thank GOD, i didnt put anything about her in here :p or she might just kill me ;)

anyhooooooo ... life is life.

everything is shady.

i shall chill until my day comes to an end.

first breakdown of 2008. how fast is that?

but who cares. everyone would say ... GROW UP anyway.

i know.

i know.

growing but still feeling insignificant.

rick.

ok, so its a new year, graduated from college, single after sookie and now ... lost.

i just feel that your first love will never escape that little hole in your heart as it keeps digging and digging more holes into it. i dont know. somehow depression follows after this hard digging into the heart. some may say it has been way way too long to dread over the past but hey, we are only human and i guess i am one fucked up little kid.

the window of opportunity strikes at the weirdest time and the window of bad luck just comes at the right time. is it coincidence that this happens? who knows. all we know is that life keeps on playing games with our little heads as we hop like little kids through our paths.

nothing seems to bring more fear to me than being faced with dissappointment. sometimes you just expect so much from this person after a long hard wait but somehow, it is all the same. the past is still repeating itself. the curves and bends are still the same. even the WORDS are the same. should i finally give up this LONG and HUGE conquest? i would say no as its been way too long to give up now.

what would i do? wait, patiently as i always have.
depression isnt something i can control. i feel so insignificant at the moment.
rick.

i constantly think and dream about her. how i could touch her, kiss her, and feel her.

all my wildest dreams came true but it was hard to believe. as how i felt was the same as before. how i lived my life two years ago was the same as it was.

he couldn't take it. the cake maker as we know of suddenly crumbles into a tiny bug ready to be stepped on. as everyone said, they knew it wouldn't happen, that it couldn't and that it can't. he tried so hard to believe them and now, after two years of endless dreams of her, he finally believed them, that he wouldn't, couldn't and can't.

he was head over heels for her, the girl that was once known as his one true love. instead now, she is just a girl, an ordinary girl.

he has no where to go and no one to turn to. it is pretty sad that he doesn't. he wants to write and tell the whole world but the cake maker is scared that the world would judge back like they did before. so the best thing he could do was blog it all out. he didn't know who would read it but at least he knew that he had let everything out through his little journal.

he have had it with relationships that come and go. he wants a permanent one that doesn't ruin his life again.

the cake maker wants to be in love again.

he tries but is often pulled down by everyone around him, be it his friends, close friends or even family.

he simply just wants to be in love again.